For those who are making a sincere effort to heal from CPTSD, especially for those raised in dysfunctional families, it’s important to understand types of toxic relationship dynamics.
One of the most common–more than a category than a type–is often referred to as the “narcissist/codependent” relationship.
The narcissist in this scenario is seen as the “bad guy” and the codependent is often seen as the victim. At worst, the codependent is considered enabler, which is correct. However, this label of narcissist/codependent implies two very different personality types locked into a trauma-bonded relationship. Lay people certainly make this mistake, and I believe that even professionals—therapists and others—tend to make it too.
Under the surface, this is not true.
But First…
A few disclaimers: 1) I am not a therapist, and I am not pretending to be. I’m someone who is recovering from CPTSD, and from decades spent in absolute confusion about why I was the way I was and why my family is the way it is. I’m reflecting on what I’ve learned during this time. 2) When I use the term “narcissism,” it’s not shorthand for NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I am talking about narcissistic traits, which are present in many people (probably everyone) subclinically. 3) This article cannot address violent abuse, or any relationship where there is fear for someone’s safety.
The Players in the Toxic Relationship
It is clarifying to understand and define terms like narcissism and codependency, because these relationship patterns are horribly confusing for those involved. This is true for children growing up watching parents or other caretakers in these dynamics, and also for adults. We need to understand the toxic relationships we tend to get into over and over again.
The Narcissistic One
What are the characteristics of narcissism? By now, this label is so commonly used that I think it’s easy to spot grandiose types. Grandiosity is highly characteristic of narcissism. But that’s usually only recognizable from the outside in a very characteristic type of narcissist. There are subtypes, and grandiose narcissism is only one of those. There is malignant narcissism, covert (or vulnerable) narcissism, and some clinicians break things down even further.
What do these narcissistic traits have in common? At the root of it is a poorly developed sense of self. All of the energy of the narcissist is actually going into craft the image of a certain type of person in the mind of other people.
Without a matured and individualized sense of self, there’s no sense of actually being able to deal with or cope with painful emotions. A narcissist’s means of survival are other people. Without emotional maturity, narcissistic traits drive people to manipulate other people to take care of them, emotionally and in other ways. They need other people to reflect back a positive view of themselves, so that they can avoid their own shame, fear, and feelings of inadequacy and incompetence.
The Codependent One
How about codependency? Codependency is not a clinical term at all. Is one of those ideas that’s generally understood, but poorly defined. As a concept though, it still is used in trauma healing circles very frequently and is a useful term. In 12-step programs, it’s pretty well understood that the codependent is an enabler of an addict.
The best definition I’ve read is that a codependent is someone who outsources responsibility for their emotional and mental state to someone else, and who completely focuses on the other person’s emotional state in turn. A codependent isn’t able to handle their own emotional regulation, and isn’t able to grapple with the demands of life as an independent adult. This is also someone who has a poorly formed sense of self, or is at best prone to self-abandonment. As the name implies, this is someone who is completely dependent on other people for their emotional wellbeing. Codependents become completely fixated on others instead.
Because of this fixation on others, the codependent is often the one who is always “working on the relationship”. In a toxic dynamic, this isn’t because this person is loving and really understands that relationships need to be nurtured. A codependent is focused on the relationship because of a deep belief that if their partner is a certain way, then the codependent will finally be okay. So, the codependent completely immerses him/herself in the life of the other person. This person, on the surface, is playing a caretaker role. Ultimately though, it’s just as manipulative as the more obvious “narcissist”.
Is It Really Narcissist vs. Codependent?
The inner experience and the ultimate result of both sides of this relationship are the same. You have someone (on each side) with a very poorly developed sense of self, who is unwilling or unable to face themselves and to deal with their own lives and difficult emotions, so they prop themselves up by manipulating another person or other people.
Fundamentally, both sides of this relationship are manipulative in order to get what they want. Even though one person is “self-centered” and the other person is obsessively “partner-centered” in their behavior and style, both have the same essential motivation and characteristics. They are two different “styles” of narcissistic motivations.
Codependency is the not the opposite of narcissism. Codependency is the operating system of narcissism.
Seeing these as two completely separate personalities is to confuse the role each is playing for the core person. While the person who might be seen as THE narcissist is a person playing the role of the confident truth teller, whereas in fact on the inside (or covertly) is needy, cowardly, ashamed person.
The more subservient role in the relationship, the people-pleasing role, might be seen as the “caretaker” but covertly, the grandiose narcissist lives inside. They are presuming to manipulate other people to feel okay about themselves. They in fact are often the people who are the “managers” of the relationship and the dynamic between the two, so in fact there might be more deliberate manipulation on the part of the person who is seen as the victim.
Fundamentally, they both have the same traits and motivations. A poor sense of self, the need to manipulate others, poorly regulated emotions and an inability to regulate their own emotions drive the need to use other people to make themselves feel better.
These two terms are certainly useful, but the meanings are more nuanced than may often be believed. These aren’t two completely different personality types. They are complementary. It’s a huge mistake to assume that these are two personalities, so different that they can’t really understand one another. That’s how it feels, on both sides. But these are two people with a blind spot where their self-awareness should be, so they don’t grasp what is actually happening. They instead go around and around in the same no-win circle.
It’s not narcissist vs. codependent. It’s narcissist vs. narcissist in a codependent relationship.